Living With Live Wires

…there is a general ambivalence in our schools and in society about gifted children, and they are often criticized for the very things that make them what they are (sensitive, intense, etc.).  Both at home and at school, they hear, “You’re too sensitive! You’re too intense!  You have a strange sense of humor! Do you always have to be creative?  Why do you have to question every rule?”  What is a child to make of criticisms like these?  He may believe these messages and decide that something is wrong with him.     Webb, et. al. (2007)  A Parent’s Guide to Gifted Children.

You may appreciate your gifted child’s advanced abilities, but it can be difficult and challenging to have a child that is always outside the norm.  Parenting books describing “normal” behavior for most children usually don’t fit gifted children.  They seem to be on a developmental path all their own.  Many gifted children reach developmental milestones much earlier than most children.  They may have one or more subjects in school that they are learning much faster than those in the middle of the learning curve.  Gifted children often process logical thinking and abstract ideas at a younger age.  And, they react to stimuli with more sensitivity.

To help and support a gifted child, it is vitally important to realize that they ARE thoroughly different, they are not just smarter than other kids.  Next, you must understand HOW they are different, because gifted children are vastly different from each other as well.

Oftentimes a gifted child is far above the normal development curve in one or more areas.  If you are to follow traditional advice in parenting books, you will not find help in the section that speaks to your child’s chronological age.  Your child may be ahead in some academic areas, at grade level in others and maybe behind in social and emotional development.  This is the definition of asynchonous development.

If you seek help from educators who are not experienced with giftedness, they may say,

 ”Your child is a child first, and the giftedness is secondary and only a part of him.”  But the giftedness is integral to the child; it affects everything he thinks, feels, says, and does.  It is a key to who he is. A Parent’s Guide to Gifted Children, James T. Webb, Ph.D., et.al., (2007).

You cannot separate out the gifted aspects of your child.   They are not a child with gifted tendencies, they ARE a gifted child with a complex set of unique traits and special needs.  All of which do not fit neatly into the normal development curve.  

Once you fully accept that your child is gifted and that they will always be unique, you can see them for the wonderful, amazing child that they are.  Together, you can embark on a journey of self-discovery and learning together.

Check out this list and see if you can identify the myths about gifted children.

-Gifted children are usually gifted in all academic areas.

-Giftedness is wholly inborn.

-Giftedness is entirely a matter of hard work.

-All children are gifted.

-Children become gifted because their parents push them.

-Gifted children will become eminent adults.

-Gifted children seldom have learning handicaps.

-Gifted children are not aware that they are somehow different than others.

-If you tell gifted children they have advanced abilities, they will become egotistical.

-Gifted children will show their abilities and talents in their school achievement.

-Gifted children are usually well-organized and have good study skills.

-Gifted children will only fulfill their potential if they receive continual pressure.

-Gifted children’s emotional maturity is as advanced as their intellect.

-Gifted children seldom have emotional or interpersonal issues.

-Gifted children enjoy demonstrating their talents and abilities for others.

-Families always value their gifted children’s advanced abilities, intensity, and sensitivity.

-Gifted children are easier to raise than most children.

-Parents cannot identify giftedness in their own children.

-Educators will know exactly how to work with gifted children.

All of the statements represent myths that are commonly held regarding gifted children.  Webb, et.al. (2007), A Parent’s Guide to Gifted Children, lists these myths and states, 

The prevalence of these myths and the lack of accurate information about gifted children is a major reason that gifted children’s needs are not recognized or given much attention in our schools and our society.

If you have a gifted child, you have a special task to help your child understand why they feel different and to support them in their social and emotional needs.  It will take great persistence to advocate for your child within the school system and maybe even with your own family members and friends.  These myths are still out there in our society and it is up to each parent to help dispell the myths whenever possible to create an environment that is supportive to the needs of your gifted child.

Remember, most reactions from others come from a place of misunderstanding and ignorance of giftedness.  It is best to start from a place of patience and educate others about the correct perceptions about giftedness and about the unique needs of your child as the situation warrants.

Dispelling myths about giftedness and learning to advocate for your child will be ongoing themes on this website and in the podcast.

If you use the term “gifted” in reference to your children, or yourself, chances are you may get a negative reaction or a non-responsive reaction from others.  Why is this term so loaded with negative connotations?  

Let’s take a look at where the term originated.

It wasn’t until the early 1900s tht the general public be came interested in adapting education to those with more or less than average ability.  At that time, the French government commissioned psychologist Alfred Binet, who had developed a test to measure people’s “judgment” or “mental age,” to screen out those children who weren’t likely to benefit from a general education…Binet believed that intelligence is educable – that it can be learned, expanded, and improved.

In 1916, American psychologist Lewis Terman took Binet’s test to Stanford University in California and standardized it.  Ironically, the Stanford-Binet Intelligence Scale assumes that intelligence is fixed – that it can’t be learned, expanded, or improved…Terman was the first to use the term “gifted,” and his study was the most comprehensive long-term study of the gifted ever conducted.  Sally Walker, The Survival guide for Parents of Gifted Kids, (1991) .

Since that time, there have been a preponderance of myths related to people considered to be more intelligent, creative or ambitious.

Many people think that using the term “gifted” conveys elitism.  They think that if you consider one group of people to be “smarter” than others, that you are claiming superiority and special treatment.  This could NOT be further from the truth.  Giftedness is a real phenomenon of people who fall outside (above)  the normal development curve in one or more areas.   And thus, many have special emotional, psychological and social challenges.  And, most gifted individuals deal with intensities, sensitivities and overexcitabilities.  Many people who fall into the gifted category are not aware of the far-reaching impact of their uniquenesses.  Instead, they have been given messages by others that they are just, “too sensitive,”  ”too intense,”  ”to dramatic,” “too weird,” in other words, just not normal.

In the lanuage we use on this website and in the podcast, we will use the term “gifted” as a shorthand way of referring to the wildly diverse and amazingly unique people who fall outside the norm for potential in areas of intelligence, creativity, and talent.  Hopefully in the future we can all come up with a term that is not so emotionally-charged.  But for now, “gifted” is the most widely recognized term used in education and legislation and is the umbrella term that most people use to identify resources.  We will also use other terms, such as, “bright,” “creative, ” “high potential,” “accelerated learner,” or “talented.”  There doesn’t seem to be the ideal way of describing gifted children and adults, so we will just do the best we can with the most accepted terminology.

 From Behavioral Management of Gifted Children: A Neuropsychological Approach by By Paul Beljan, PsyD, ABPdN on GiftedHomeschoolers.org

A widely used [behavior managment] intervention is the “time out.” Despite its popularity, it may not be the best choice [for gifted children]. Children often view a time out as a “time to go off.” The time out often ends up being the trigger that causes a tantrum. Because a time out is timed externally, by a parent for example, it does not help the child learn how to self-soothe.

Here are two examples of soothing interventions to try in place of a time out. The first intervention, called Separate the Beans, is appropriate for children from ages 3 through 9. It requires them to spend time separating two types of uncooked beans from an empty coffee can into two smaller bowls. The activity soothes the various senses of touch, hearing, and vision. This activity helps calm children by limiting extraneous environmental stimuli, while not stressing cognition. The result is being once again available for social interaction or learning.

The steps involved in this intervention are:

Combine uncooked lima and red beans in an empty coffee can.
Have the child separate the beans by color into two bowls.
When the cups are full, the discipline is over. The child then amends the behavior that warranted the discipline in the first place and is free to return to his/her activities.

We called them the calming beans and had great sucess.  We used them from age four to seven.  There is a slight risk that the beans will be thown, but we never had that problem.  Sometimes Sean would sort the beans on his own as a meditative activity.  Be sure to use only lima and red beans, we read in another place that other types of uncooked beans can be poisonous if ingested.  When the beans were combined, there was 4-6 cups of beans to sort, taking 10-15 minutes or more to complete.

A similar intervention for older children is Sentences. It involves writing sentences that state: “I will not do this… I will do this…” Rules to follow when using this intervention are:

Dispense no more than five sentences at the time of a behavioral infraction.
Instruct the child to write sentences that include what the child is not to do and what appropriate behavior would have been instead.
Avoid power struggles that may result in adults assigning more sentences.
Keep in mind that discipline teaches without anger and avoids damage to the child’s self-esteem. Remember to suspend privileges until the beans are all separated or the sentences are completed at a proficient level. Remind the child that the discipline “lasts as long as you want it to.” Once it’s completed, it’s time to help the child to re-engage. For example, you might say, “Let’s go apologize…”

We haven’t tried this yet, but probably will soon.  We’ll let you know how it goes.

In general, a family legacy, includes….

The culmination of your history of experiences as a family. It includes your life experiences, ways of relating to each other, reactions to positive and negative events, family traditions and rituals, the family collective attitudes, beliefs, thoughts, and feelings. It even includes your genetic code.

We all have a family culture and we pass down a family legacy to our children whether we are conscious of it or not. It forms the foundation to how we see ourselves and how we live our lives.  And it creates the filter for how we behave in relationships and how we feel about our lives.

As we mature and grow, we add to and change what we experienced growing up and create our own family culture, which then becomes the legacy to our kids.

It is possible for anyone who is motivated, to more consciously create one’s own family’s legacy.

What I will share with you in the course of these posts is a small portion of how I am creating a family legacy as it relates to a lifestyle of lifelong learning.

As I began to consider what I wanted for our family legacy, I hoped for my children, most of all, to pursue a life of meaning and passion as they choose what they want to do. But in the context of pursuing their passion, I hoped to instill and inspire ways to develop their talents in an environment of creativity and adventure.

In the midst of the constant information overload involved in their education, I chose three guiding principles to keep in the forefront of my mind as we go through our days together – as a guide to help me focus and keep priorities in mind:

I chose Mastery, Creativity and Adventure.

I explore each one in more depth in future posts.

[excerpt from my Minnesota Council for the Gifted and Talented State Conference presentation: Don't Fence Me In - Mastery, Creativity, and Adventure in the Home Education of Bright Children]