Living With Live Wires

…there is a general ambivalence in our schools and in society about gifted children, and they are often criticized for the very things that make them what they are (sensitive, intense, etc.).  Both at home and at school, they hear, “You’re too sensitive! You’re too intense!  You have a strange sense of humor! Do you always have to be creative?  Why do you have to question every rule?”  What is a child to make of criticisms like these?  He may believe these messages and decide that something is wrong with him.     Webb, et. al. (2007)  A Parent’s Guide to Gifted Children.

You may appreciate your gifted child’s advanced abilities, but it can be difficult and challenging to have a child that is always outside the norm.  Parenting books describing “normal” behavior for most children usually don’t fit gifted children.  They seem to be on a developmental path all their own.  Many gifted children reach developmental milestones much earlier than most children.  They may have one or more subjects in school that they are learning much faster than those in the middle of the learning curve.  Gifted children often process logical thinking and abstract ideas at a younger age.  And, they react to stimuli with more sensitivity.

To help and support a gifted child, it is vitally important to realize that they ARE thoroughly different, they are not just smarter than other kids.  Next, you must understand HOW they are different, because gifted children are vastly different from each other as well.

Oftentimes a gifted child is far above the normal development curve in one or more areas.  If you are to follow traditional advice in parenting books, you will not find help in the section that speaks to your child’s chronological age.  Your child may be ahead in some academic areas, at grade level in others and maybe behind in social and emotional development.  This is the definition of asynchonous development.

If you seek help from educators who are not experienced with giftedness, they may say,

 ”Your child is a child first, and the giftedness is secondary and only a part of him.”  But the giftedness is integral to the child; it affects everything he thinks, feels, says, and does.  It is a key to who he is. A Parent’s Guide to Gifted Children, James T. Webb, Ph.D., et.al., (2007).

You cannot separate out the gifted aspects of your child.   They are not a child with gifted tendencies, they ARE a gifted child with a complex set of unique traits and special needs.  All of which do not fit neatly into the normal development curve.  

Once you fully accept that your child is gifted and that they will always be unique, you can see them for the wonderful, amazing child that they are.  Together, you can embark on a journey of self-discovery and learning together.

Check out this list and see if you can identify the myths about gifted children.

-Gifted children are usually gifted in all academic areas.

-Giftedness is wholly inborn.

-Giftedness is entirely a matter of hard work.

-All children are gifted.

-Children become gifted because their parents push them.

-Gifted children will become eminent adults.

-Gifted children seldom have learning handicaps.

-Gifted children are not aware that they are somehow different than others.

-If you tell gifted children they have advanced abilities, they will become egotistical.

-Gifted children will show their abilities and talents in their school achievement.

-Gifted children are usually well-organized and have good study skills.

-Gifted children will only fulfill their potential if they receive continual pressure.

-Gifted children’s emotional maturity is as advanced as their intellect.

-Gifted children seldom have emotional or interpersonal issues.

-Gifted children enjoy demonstrating their talents and abilities for others.

-Families always value their gifted children’s advanced abilities, intensity, and sensitivity.

-Gifted children are easier to raise than most children.

-Parents cannot identify giftedness in their own children.

-Educators will know exactly how to work with gifted children.

All of the statements represent myths that are commonly held regarding gifted children.  Webb, et.al. (2007), A Parent’s Guide to Gifted Children, lists these myths and states, 

The prevalence of these myths and the lack of accurate information about gifted children is a major reason that gifted children’s needs are not recognized or given much attention in our schools and our society.

If you have a gifted child, you have a special task to help your child understand why they feel different and to support them in their social and emotional needs.  It will take great persistence to advocate for your child within the school system and maybe even with your own family members and friends.  These myths are still out there in our society and it is up to each parent to help dispell the myths whenever possible to create an environment that is supportive to the needs of your gifted child.

Remember, most reactions from others come from a place of misunderstanding and ignorance of giftedness.  It is best to start from a place of patience and educate others about the correct perceptions about giftedness and about the unique needs of your child as the situation warrants.

Dispelling myths about giftedness and learning to advocate for your child will be ongoing themes on this website and in the podcast.

If you use the term “gifted” in reference to your children, or yourself, chances are you may get a negative reaction or a non-responsive reaction from others.  Why is this term so loaded with negative connotations?  

Let’s take a look at where the term originated.

It wasn’t until the early 1900s tht the general public be came interested in adapting education to those with more or less than average ability.  At that time, the French government commissioned psychologist Alfred Binet, who had developed a test to measure people’s “judgment” or “mental age,” to screen out those children who weren’t likely to benefit from a general education…Binet believed that intelligence is educable – that it can be learned, expanded, and improved.

In 1916, American psychologist Lewis Terman took Binet’s test to Stanford University in California and standardized it.  Ironically, the Stanford-Binet Intelligence Scale assumes that intelligence is fixed – that it can’t be learned, expanded, or improved…Terman was the first to use the term “gifted,” and his study was the most comprehensive long-term study of the gifted ever conducted.  Sally Walker, The Survival guide for Parents of Gifted Kids, (1991) .

Since that time, there have been a preponderance of myths related to people considered to be more intelligent, creative or ambitious.

Many people think that using the term “gifted” conveys elitism.  They think that if you consider one group of people to be “smarter” than others, that you are claiming superiority and special treatment.  This could NOT be further from the truth.  Giftedness is a real phenomenon of people who fall outside (above)  the normal development curve in one or more areas.   And thus, many have special emotional, psychological and social challenges.  And, most gifted individuals deal with intensities, sensitivities and overexcitabilities.  Many people who fall into the gifted category are not aware of the far-reaching impact of their uniquenesses.  Instead, they have been given messages by others that they are just, “too sensitive,”  ”too intense,”  ”to dramatic,” “too weird,” in other words, just not normal.

In the lanuage we use on this website and in the podcast, we will use the term “gifted” as a shorthand way of referring to the wildly diverse and amazingly unique people who fall outside the norm for potential in areas of intelligence, creativity, and talent.  Hopefully in the future we can all come up with a term that is not so emotionally-charged.  But for now, “gifted” is the most widely recognized term used in education and legislation and is the umbrella term that most people use to identify resources.  We will also use other terms, such as, “bright,” “creative, ” “high potential,” “accelerated learner,” or “talented.”  There doesn’t seem to be the ideal way of describing gifted children and adults, so we will just do the best we can with the most accepted terminology.

We continue with more recommendations by Mary Sheedy Kurchinka (2006), in Raising Your Spirited Child, to help parents deal with spill-over tantrums:

Talk About What’s Flooding Your Child

Use a Soft But Firm Voice

Make Sure Your Rules Are Clear

Clarify the Consequences

SPANKING DOESN’T WORK

Doing everything you can to prevent tantrums is always preferred.  And, involving the child in plans for the next episodes is even better.  Check with your child when they are calm to see if they are clear on the rules and consequences.  Ttry to keep your cool and use a soft, firm voice when talking to your child.  And, above all, never spank a spirited child. This will be extremely counter-productive and damaging to your child.

Check out Part 1 and Part 2 if you missed them.

First, try to identify and stop the trigger when at all possible.  When children are experiencing a spill-over tantrum they often cannot stop themselves.  They need us to help them gain control and calm down.

Mary Sheedy Kurchinka (2006), in Raising Your Spirited Child, has several suggestions to help parents deal with spill-over tantrums:

Stop the Flood

Stay With or Near Your Child

Touch Your Child

Try Distraction

Give Your Child Space

Encourage Your Child to Move

I have personally tried all these techniques before reading this book out of instinct.  I spend a lot of time making sure that our schedule is not overbooked with overstimulated events.  That usually works, but it takes a lot of vigilance.  I consider staying with your child and touching your child very important, especially for younger children.  As they get older, they may want some space.  My son does need to move around to work out the tension and overstimulation at times.  It is like getting the fire out of the body.

Overall, keep a list of options in your mind to try with your child to see what works best to control their environment and what is effective to calm and soothe them.

See part 3 of this series for more ideas on how to deal with spill-over tantrums.

For more detailed instructions and for much more on how to deal with spirited children, get the book by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka, Raising Your Spirited Child, .