“Calming Beans” the Time-out alternative
by livewire on Jan.20, 2009, under In Close Quarters
A widely used [behavior managment] intervention is the “time out.” Despite its popularity, it may not be the best choice [for gifted children]. Children often view a time out as a “time to go off.” The time out often ends up being the trigger that causes a tantrum. Because a time out is timed externally, by a parent for example, it does not help the child learn how to self-soothe.
Here are two examples of soothing interventions to try in place of a time out. The first intervention, called Separate the Beans, is appropriate for children from ages 3 through 9. It requires them to spend time separating two types of uncooked beans from an empty coffee can into two smaller bowls. The activity soothes the various senses of touch, hearing, and vision. This activity helps calm children by limiting extraneous environmental stimuli, while not stressing cognition. The result is being once again available for social interaction or learning.
The steps involved in this intervention are:
Combine uncooked lima and red beans in an empty coffee can.
Have the child separate the beans by color into two bowls.
When the cups are full, the discipline is over. The child then amends the behavior that warranted the discipline in the first place and is free to return to his/her activities.
We called them the calming beans and had great sucess. We used them from age four to seven. There is a slight risk that the beans will be thown, but we never had that problem. Sometimes Sean would sort the beans on his own as a meditative activity. Be sure to use only lima and red beans, we read in another place that other types of uncooked beans can be poisonous if ingested. When the beans were combined, there was 4-6 cups of beans to sort, taking 10-15 minutes or more to complete.
A similar intervention for older children is Sentences. It involves writing sentences that state: “I will not do this… I will do this…” Rules to follow when using this intervention are:
Dispense no more than five sentences at the time of a behavioral infraction.
Instruct the child to write sentences that include what the child is not to do and what appropriate behavior would have been instead.
Avoid power struggles that may result in adults assigning more sentences.
Keep in mind that discipline teaches without anger and avoids damage to the child’s self-esteem. Remember to suspend privileges until the beans are all separated or the sentences are completed at a proficient level. Remind the child that the discipline “lasts as long as you want it to.” Once it’s completed, it’s time to help the child to re-engage. For example, you might say, “Let’s go apologize…”
We haven’t tried this yet, but probably will soon. We’ll let you know how it goes.
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January 21st, 2009 on 4:25 am
I love the calming beans idea and had heard of it about 6mths ago. I was at my wits end with my gifted and VERY spirited daughter (just turned 4.) Well I tried the beans…. and needless to say, I spent the remainder of the day cleaning up the beans scattered all over the floor. She’s really intense immediately took the container of beans and threw them all over the room instead of sorting.
January 22nd, 2009 on 3:50 am
Tantrums from four-year olds are definitely one of the big parenting challenges, and with gifted children who may have emotional overexcitablilites, it can can get overwhelming for parents. It is often better to plan new techniques when everyone is calm.
I had my own intense four-year old boy that challenged me to get creative in my parenting and we did use the calming beans for a couple years very successfully. However, the calming beans technique had to be part of a comprehensive effort on our part, not an isolated solution. Using the beans or sorting playing cards were my son’s choice for learning to calm down on his own, as opposed to time-outs. He was able to stay in the room with the rest of the family as long as he was sorting his beans, which met his need of not being isolated and developing more feelings of desperation.
He could choose to not do his sorting beans at the moment (sitting without disturbing others), but he was not allowed to play or do other activities until he sorted one bowl. That was my cue that he was indeed calm enough to go on with other activities. I was also careful to describe his calming activities as just that – calming activities that he was choosing to do to help himself control his emotions (as decided in his action plan made during calmer times). It was not a punishment. We spent time discussing his needs and options for what to do when he was calm so we could create an action plan together.
You bring up a topic of interest to many parents, including a group of parents that were talking recently at a meeting my husband was attending. And, since I don’t know your specific situation or what causes your daughter to have tantrums, I have provided some general ideas for you and the other parents to consider in developing a more comprehensive action plan for handling four-year old tantrums in a the following blog entries:
Dealing with Tantrums of Four-Year Olds- part 1
Dealing with Tantrums of Four-Year Olds – part 2
February 3rd, 2009 on 3:15 pm
Very interesting. Almost (I stress ALMOST) makes me wish I still had young ‘uns in the house to try it out on.