Living With Live Wires

One of the best articles on the connection between education and work:

The Case for Working With Your Hands

There are many gems, among them:

“It is a rare person, male or female, who is naturally inclined to sit still for 17 years in school, and then indefinitely at work.”

“A gifted young person who chooses to become a mechanic rather than to accumulate academic credentials is viewed as eccentric, if not self-destructive.”

“For anyone who feels ill suited by disposition to spend his days sitting in an office, the question of what a good job looks like is now wide open.”

“An economy that is more entrepreneurial, less managerial, would be less subject to the kind of distortions that occur when corporate managers’ compensation is tied to the short-term profit of distant shareholders. ”

“A good job requires a field of action where you can put your best capacities to work and see an effect in the world. Academic credentials do not guarantee this.”

The article is full of them.  Read and enjoy.

How do you view your child’s misbehavior?  Why do you think your children lie, cheat, or get sneaky and steal?

What messages do you hear in your head as a parent of a child doing something you don’t want them to?

Do you see it as a character flaw?  A lack of good conscience?  A deliberate attempt to upset you?  An attempt to manipulate those around them?

Or, do you see it as part of a developmental phase, a time of growth in abilities to test boundaries and exercise new mental muscles.  Trying to meet a need, but maybe in an inappropriate or self-defeating way?

How you view your child’s misbehavior will determine how you respond.  The first set of parental reactions can more easily lead to harsh, angry reactions and feeling a need to control your child’s behavior.  It can also be easier to place blame on your child for acting “bad” and create a sense of shame in your child.

Some parents do not see this as a problem.  They sincerely believe that it is ths way to instill a better consciouence, a stronger sense of right and wrong.  They believe that the harsher the punishment, the more their child will remember the lesson and the more they will be detered from repeating the misbehavior.

We all want to raise kids with a good conscience to guide their ability to make good choices.  And, we hope that feelings of guilt will be their indicator that something needs to be corrected. But lets take a close look at shame and how it can play out in the life of a child.

Elaine N. Aron, Ph.D., Author of The Highly Sensitive Child describes the difference between guilt and shame:

Shame – and guilt, its gentler cousin – are powerful built-in “self-conscious” emotions (like pride).  Psychologists distinguish them in this way:  While guilt focuses on particular misdeeds and, often, on what can be done to amend them, shame is a feeling that the entire self is bad.  Thus, when one feels guilty, one assumes an active self that can do something wrong and make it right; being ashamed, one assumes one is passive or helpless.  When feeling guilty, people tend to engage rather than withdraw, trying to make amends or at least defend themselves.  When ashamed, people hang their head or avert their eyes, withdrawing, slumping, and looking small, indicating submission or just wishing they coudl disappear.  It feels terrible.

She also states,

No one feels shame or guilt all the time.  But they can become almost like a personality trait, in that some people become shame or guilt prone, much as people become anxious or shy by nature.  Shame, guilt, shyness, or anxiety ar things anyone can feel sometimes, but some people feel them almost all the time.

In terms of special needs of sensitive children,  she states,

Shaming as a method of correcting an HSC is the sledgehammer method of putting in a thumbtack.  

When the HSC  internalizes the shame, it can be debilitating.

…there is a general ambivalence in our schools and in society about gifted children, and they are often criticized for the very things that make them what they are (sensitive, intense, etc.).  Both at home and at school, they hear, “You’re too sensitive! You’re too intense!  You have a strange sense of humor! Do you always have to be creative?  Why do you have to question every rule?”  What is a child to make of criticisms like these?  He may believe these messages and decide that something is wrong with him.     Webb, et. al. (2007)  A Parent’s Guide to Gifted Children.

You may appreciate your gifted child’s advanced abilities, but it can be difficult and challenging to have a child that is always outside the norm.  Parenting books describing “normal” behavior for most children usually don’t fit gifted children.  They seem to be on a developmental path all their own.  Many gifted children reach developmental milestones much earlier than most children.  They may have one or more subjects in school that they are learning much faster than those in the middle of the learning curve.  Gifted children often process logical thinking and abstract ideas at a younger age.  And, they react to stimuli with more sensitivity.

To help and support a gifted child, it is vitally important to realize that they ARE thoroughly different, they are not just smarter than other kids.  Next, you must understand HOW they are different, because gifted children are vastly different from each other as well.

Oftentimes a gifted child is far above the normal development curve in one or more areas.  If you are to follow traditional advice in parenting books, you will not find help in the section that speaks to your child’s chronological age.  Your child may be ahead in some academic areas, at grade level in others and maybe behind in social and emotional development.  This is the definition of asynchonous development.

If you seek help from educators who are not experienced with giftedness, they may say,

 ”Your child is a child first, and the giftedness is secondary and only a part of him.”  But the giftedness is integral to the child; it affects everything he thinks, feels, says, and does.  It is a key to who he is. A Parent’s Guide to Gifted Children, James T. Webb, Ph.D., et.al., (2007).

You cannot separate out the gifted aspects of your child.   They are not a child with gifted tendencies, they ARE a gifted child with a complex set of unique traits and special needs.  All of which do not fit neatly into the normal development curve.  

Once you fully accept that your child is gifted and that they will always be unique, you can see them for the wonderful, amazing child that they are.  Together, you can embark on a journey of self-discovery and learning together.

Giftedness is a term that can be a blessing to parents and a challenge when it comes to  navigating social and educational systems.  We want our children to succeed and have their gifts and talents nurtured, but with the current cultural views on giftedness, some parents just want to hide their children’s abilities. These parents may prefer to have a child that is “normal” and just fits in with their peers.

There are several books that describe gifted children and how to parent them.  One of the best books to start with is “A Parent’s Guide to Gifted Children,” by James T. Webb, Ph.D., et. al. (2007).  They state that,

Parent’s uncertainty and ambivalence are often due to confusion as to what “gifted” means.  They may have never heard the term “gifted,” or if they have, they may mistakenly think that a gifted child is necessarily a genius or a child prodigy, or at least a child who is far brighter than others in all areas.

Another confusing factor is that parents often hear statements from teachers or administrators such as, “In our school, we believe that all children are gifted.” . . . Such comments are not only perplexing, they are also inaccurate.

 It (giftedness) can’t be separated out to deal with only when it’s convenient for others.  Giftedness cannot be overlooked or minimized; gifted children are fundamentally different.  

 Here are some of the definitions from various sources.

National Association For Gifted Children (NAGC) www.nagc.org

A gifted person is someone who shows, or has the potential for showing, an exceptional level of performance in one or more areas of expression.

Some of these abilities are very general and can affect a broad spectrum of the person’s life, such as leadership skills or the ability to think creatively. Some are very specific talents and are only evident in particular circumstances, such as a special aptitude in mathematics, science, or music. The term giftedness provides a general reference to this spectrum of abilities without being specific or dependent on a single measure or index. It is generally recognized that approximately five percent of the student population, or three million children, in the United States are considered gifted.

A person’s giftedness should not be confused with the means by which giftedness is observed or assessed. Parent, teacher, or student recommendations, a high mark on an examination, or a high IQ score are not giftedness; they may be a signal that giftedness exists. Some of these indices of giftedness are more sensitive than others to differences in the person’s environment.

It may be more difficult to identify giftedness in areas that can’t be tested easily by paper-and-pencil measures.

Howard Gardner (1983) in Frames of Mind, suggested that there are “multiple intelligences.”  The seven intelligences that he identified include:

Linguistic intelligence  – verbal ability

Musical intelligence - perceive distinctions and patterns of notes and rhythms, musical talent

Logical-Mathematical intelligence – deductive reasoning, abstract patterns

Visual-Spatial intelligence – visualize spatial dimensions, both internally and externally

Bodily-Kinethetic intelligence – physical awareness

Interpersonal intelligence – person-to-person communications and relationships

Intrapersonal intelligence – strong awareness of self, spiritual inner states, awareness

Expanding your ideas about what areas children may display exceptional abilities can help parents look beyond the traditional tests offered by schools to identify the “smarter” children who can perform well on written tests.  And, realizing that there are several areas of individual development can expand your options when designing a well-rounded educational experience for your gifted chid.  I believe it is important to examine the full range of human experience when searching for better ways to develop our potential.  This is the foundation of what I call, an Integral view to education and actualizing potential.

Here is an excerpt from the bio of Dr. James Webb from Great Potential Press: 

James T. Webb, Ph.D., ABPP-CL, has been recognized as one of the 25 most influential psychologists nationally on gifted education, and he consults with schools, programs and individuals about social and emotional needs of gifted and talented children. In 1981, Dr. Webb established SENG (Supporting Emotional Needs of Gifted Children, Inc.), a national nonprofit organization that provides information, training, conferences and workshops, and he remains as Chair of SENG’s Professional Advisory Committee.  Currently, Dr. Webb is President of Great Potential Press, Inc.

Here is a link to SENG (Supporting Emotional Needs of Gifted Children)

Some people believe that everyone is”gifted.”  They think that everyone is “special” in some way.  Everyone is special and should be valued as such.  There should not be any class of people that are valued or de-valued more than others in terms of human worth.  Using the term “gifted” is NOT a value judgement.  It is not a class distinction.  It is a term used to describe individuals who fall above the normal developmental and intelligence curves. 

Most gifted individuals show advanced intelligence, a high degree of creativity and/or heightened sensitivities.  

In terms of intelligence, if you look at the normal bell-shaped curve, you will see that,

… two-thirds of all people have an IQ score that falls in the average range, with IQ scores from 85 to 115.  About 3% (those with an IQ score of 130 or above) may be considered gifted, and a much smaller percentage are considered highly gifted (IQ scores near 145).  A still smaller percentage would be classified as profoundly gifted, typically those who score at the top one-tenth of 1% (150-160).  Webb, et.al. (2007) A Parent’s Guide to Gifted Children.

IQ scores only tell a small portion of the picture with gifted individuals.  

The behaviors of gifted children are very significant and indicative of the child’s high ability.  One cannot assume that children with similar IQ scores have similar personalities, interests, abilities, or temperaments.  Webb, et.al. (2007) A Parent’s Guide to Gifted Children.

There are many gifted children who have talents other than mathematical, scientific, or reading, which are easier to identify in the school setting.  Some children exibit high athletic, music or art abilities.  Some children have intuitive, emotional sensitivity or advanced spiritual development.

In addition to intellectual abilities and creative talents, heightened sensitivites and intensities are a key marker for gifted children.  

Gifted children take in information from the world around them; they react and respond more quickly and intensely than other children.  They are stimulated both by what’s going on around them and by what moves them from within.  Susan Daniels and Michael Piechowski. (2009) Living With Intensity.

What defines a child as gifted is not so much one single characteristic, but a constellation of several defining characteristics and traits, that when taken together, show a pattern that is outside the norm.  I will spend a great deal of time discussing the difference, sensitivites and intensities of gifted individuals. These unique characteristics are the source of the greatest potential and are often the source of greatest distress for gifted children and their parents.