Read Part 1

There are many parenting books that outline a reward system to deal with behaviors that need to be changed with your children. These types of systems are very appropriate with four-year olds (and all younger children) because, developmentally, they need structure, specific instructions, and a source of motivation towards the desired behaviors. Here is one expert’s advice about setting up such an action plan with four-year olds.

Alan E. Kazdin, Director of the Yale Parenting Center and Child Conduct Clinic, in the book, The Kazdin Method for Parenting the Defiant Child, recommends with four-year olds, to:

1.Chose one problem behavior to address first. Clearly identify the positive behavior you want to happen in place of the problem behavior. 

2.Get started right away and make a little progress to encourage and motivate everyone at the beginning. 

Use a point chart as a way of keeping track of and displaying the positive behaviors your child has accomplished and the rewards he can earn for them. Research shows several special advantages to a point chart (for children of all ages – and adults, too). Success will lie not in the presence of the chart itself but in how it is employed.

3.Once you’ve set up the chart, you need to select from fun, appropriate rewards and set the terms for “buying” them with points. 

4.Use pretend games to practice with your child to do the positive behaviors and show them how the new system will work. Practice positive feedback to your child for all their hard work and for trying. 

You and your child are both building habits, and this comes from practice. That’s how the actions become established and ingrained, natural and automatic. The first stage – getting the behavior to occur regularly, and providing the proper consequences – is often the hard part, because it feels unnatural at first. But it will soon feel natural, and soon not doing the behavior will feel unnatural.

Keys to Success

Success will require changes not only in your child’s behavior but, in all likelihood, also in your interactions with him or her.

1. Praise is all-important. It should be appropriate, enthusiastic, very specific related to the desired behavior or effort, include a gentle touch. It should be contingent on the desired behavior, immediate and frequent, especially at the beginning.
2. Make noncompliance a nonevent. Try to ignore your child if he does not comply with your request. 
3. Begin with “please.” When you ask your child to engage in the behaviors you want, begin with the word “please.” The research is clear that choice, or the appearance of choice, increases compliance.
4. The tone ought to be warm and gentle. 
5. Don’t ask a question when you are instructing your child to do something. 
6. Physical closeness counts. When you ask your child to do something, get close; it helps. 

Hopefully, this will provide a starting point for some parents struggling with younger children and tantrums. Remember it is not perfection we are trying to attain, or complete solutions, just making small steps of progress in the right direction is good enough.
NOTE: If you are having severe, chronic problems, if there are other traumatic family problems occurring, or if the situation escalates in physical violence, please get seek the assistance of a professional.

Recently, we have had discussions in meetings with other parents about dealing with the behavioral problems of younger gifted children. That is what prompted us to post the blog about the calming beans technique. I began remembering when my children were four. My daughter glided through without too many problems out of the ordinary, but my dear son kept us on our toes and searching for solutions. He is a highly sensitive child. When he was four (actually ages 3-5), we tried many things to help manage his sensitivities and difficulties with transitions, which often led to tantrums.

Here are some thoughts about what helped us, what experts say, and a few words of encouragement to make it through one of the difficult times of parenting – Dealing with Tantrums of Four-Year Olds…and five-year olds, and six-year olds. . . 

Being There, Being Calm

Developmentally, four-year olds are just beginning to gain a greater sense of emotional awareness and power to influence other people, and they are practicing it! They also do not have the maturity to control strong emotional outbursts and can get very overwhelmed by their intense feelings. We can sometimes relate to that feeling of being out-of-control with no options by the way their tantrums can make us feel. As parents, the most important thing we can do when our children are out-of-control is remain calm and in control. Nothing is scarier to a child than to see the adults break-down when they do. It sends the message that we can’t help them, or we are giving up on them. This can create more intense tantrums.

Dr. Steve Kahn, psychologist and professor at the University of St. Thomas, who wrote Insightful Parenting, states,

We show children through our actions how we expect them to act as they get older. Regardless of how badly they are treating us, we treat them better. They are allowed to act their age, but we are not allowed to act their age (or) mirror their insolent tone.
There is a higher standard of behavior for us. We are the adults. When they are stressful to us, we show them how to act during their own stressful times….Eventually it is all about us. Do we use their behavior as an excuse for our response? It becomes clear when you say to yourself: “I want to be the way I want them to become.” Whatever they are doing becomes an opportunity for you to show them how to be.

Staying Connected

Dr. Steve Kahn, also writes,

While it may sound insignificant, there is very little in parenting more urgent than “protecting the connection.” It is the most critical parenting task. It may strike us as obvious, but when parents are not able to protect the connection, children are hurt. The dilemma is accomplishing this at all times, regardless of what our children are doing. It helps to have great compassion for the hard work of childhood and consider that they are being the best child they can be each day.

With my own son, when he was four, there were definitely times when I had to just “be present” with him when his feelings took him out-of-control. I would wait and watch with him, or hold him when I could, as the storm of emotions passed through. Then he would reach the point where he could sit and continue the rest of his calming on his own. I remained calm and offered supportive words. It let him know that I was there, it would be alright, we all have times like this and I will offer what I can to help you. This is very difficult for parents to do at first because we usually just want the strong emotions to stop. But we have children who are getting their nervous system wired at an alarming rate. And, gifted children can have sensitivities that just intensify their experience and reaction to everyday events.

As my son gets older, my assistance hasn’t been needed as often. We have developed a relationship of trust and a connection that is always there when he feels out-of-control. As he grows and gains more control of his own behavior, we continue to help him experiment with ways to manage his feelings. My presence served as a role model to how he might handle his situation in the future. As he gets older, we talk about sensitivities more because I have them also. He now asks me questions about how I handle certain feelings and situations and he watches me closely when I am experiencing similar feelings. It has become a journey we are on together.
Step Back and Observe Closely

Just like us, our children are very motivated! We often just see them as motivated to get their way. This can create feelings in us that our child may be deliberately trying to control us. Those beliefs can make us feel resentful and can lead us into a power struggle with our child. As the parent, we need to see the bigger picture – our children are motivated to get their needs met. We need to keep our sense of composure and compassion and look at the world (and the situation) from the child’s point of view. What needs are they trying to meet? Focus our attention more on the child rather than getting lost in your own feelings and reactions to their behavior. This takes practice and a commitment on your part, as a parent, to also work on your own reactions.

Often, gifted children with sensitivities and overexcitablities are trying to meet an intense need when they have a tantrum, thus the intense reaction. One example that is typical with gifted four-year olds is not being able to handle transitions from one activity to another; bedtimes, switching from activities they are concentrated and motivated to do, going out to other locations that may be too overstimulating, or transitioning home and not being able to calm down. In these examples, part of the action plan will include activities to ease the transitions and possibly changes in the routine to reduce the events causing over-stimulation.

Observe your child closely to pick-up patterns and triggers. See if you can identify some of the needs your child is trying to meet in their life. Work with your child to develop an action plan (see, Dealing With Four-Year Old Tantrums – part 2). Chances are, they will be just as excited to make progress on the tantrums as you are. When you talk with them, normalize their behavior, and be careful not to blame. Let them know that everyone experiences intense feelings sometimes, and that we all have to learn ways to deal with them. Make sure your love and acceptance are not contingent on their good behavior. Remember, having an intense emotion is not a problem. How one handles it and how one helps the child learn to appropriately manage their own behavior is the key.
Work With the Motivations

To use the natural motivation of the child, there are several other things you can do to help shift their motivation in a more positive direction.

Consider these views from, A Parent’s Guide to Gifted Children, by Webb, et. al.,

For many parents, discipline means time-out, grounding, or some other kind of punishment. This is unfortunate, because discipline is not the same thing as punishment; it is much more than punishment, which should be used sparingly. Because of the sensitive nature of gifted children, a small amount of punishment typically goes a long way. So when we use the word “discipline,” we are talking about ways to help a child learn to manage her own behaviors – to help the child achieve self-regulation and responsibility. For many, it’s a new way of looking at teaching the child to gradually learn to manage her own life.

When dealing with the tantrums of four-year olds, you begin with the development of the action plan. After some self-reflection and observation of your child, it is time to get down to work. It is important to prepare before you get together to present your plan to your child. And, it is important that parts of the plan are left for your child to have some input. Giving your child some say in parts of the action plan is very motivating.

One example of an action plan based on cognitive-behavioral methods is featured in Dealing with Tantrums of Four-Year Olds- part 2.