Living With Live Wires

We continue with more recommendations by Mary Sheedy Kurchinka (2006), in Raising Your Spirited Child, to help parents deal with spill-over tantrums:

Talk About What’s Flooding Your Child

Use a Soft But Firm Voice

Make Sure Your Rules Are Clear

Clarify the Consequences

SPANKING DOESN’T WORK

Doing everything you can to prevent tantrums is always preferred.  And, involving the child in plans for the next episodes is even better.  Check with your child when they are calm to see if they are clear on the rules and consequences.  Ttry to keep your cool and use a soft, firm voice when talking to your child.  And, above all, never spank a spirited child. This will be extremely counter-productive and damaging to your child.

Check out Part 1 and Part 2 if you missed them.

First, try to identify and stop the trigger when at all possible.  When children are experiencing a spill-over tantrum they often cannot stop themselves.  They need us to help them gain control and calm down.

Mary Sheedy Kurchinka (2006), in Raising Your Spirited Child, has several suggestions to help parents deal with spill-over tantrums:

Stop the Flood

Stay With or Near Your Child

Touch Your Child

Try Distraction

Give Your Child Space

Encourage Your Child to Move

I have personally tried all these techniques before reading this book out of instinct.  I spend a lot of time making sure that our schedule is not overbooked with overstimulated events.  That usually works, but it takes a lot of vigilance.  I consider staying with your child and touching your child very important, especially for younger children.  As they get older, they may want some space.  My son does need to move around to work out the tension and overstimulation at times.  It is like getting the fire out of the body.

Overall, keep a list of options in your mind to try with your child to see what works best to control their environment and what is effective to calm and soothe them.

See part 3 of this series for more ideas on how to deal with spill-over tantrums.

For more detailed instructions and for much more on how to deal with spirited children, get the book by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka, Raising Your Spirited Child, .

For the “normal” tantrums, follow the traditional advice.  But, if you are experiencing a spill-over tantrum with your spirited child, a few other strategies are needed. 

Mary Sheedy Kurchinka (2006), in Raising Your Spirited Child, states:

A spill-over tantrum can’t be stopped by ignoring it because your child is dealing with a tempermental issue that has triggered a physical reaction and sent him squarely into the red zone.  Your child needs you to help him discover the source of the emotional flood and stop it.  He needs your direction to help him calm himself and regain self-control.  Without that direction, he can rage for hours because his inner restrtaints have busted, letting loose a hurricane of wild emotions.

How do you begin to handle spill-over tantrums since they can begin in infancy and continue throughout childhood?

Identify Triggers and Keep Your Cool

Kurchinka continues,

It’s much easier to keep your cool when you can quickly identify the reason for the spill-over tantrum.

Identify Peak Times 

Kurchinka advises parents to keep track of the times that there children tend to have more tantrums.  It could be a day of the week, or a particular time of day.  Late afternoons are prime time for melt-downs after a full day of stimulating activity.  Also check for times when your own stress is high. Kids go through developmental surges when change in their bodies can be rapid.  Check around the time of their birthday and their half birthday for times when they are more cranky and uncooperative.  Check for difficulties during transition times, such as getting up and getting out of the house.  And, be aware of empty energy banks.  Introverts may need more time alone to recharge, and extroverts may need more time to play with friends.  

I know from my own experience that it can be crucial to make sure your child is fed on a regular schedule to avoid low blood sugar. Activity levels may need to be adjusted to avoid overstimulation.  It is a common practice of some parents to have their kids run around to burn off extra energy.  But with intense spirited children, you may be fueling the fire and setting them up for more stimulation.  It may look like your child is relaxing while they are watching TV, but TV and video-games may be adding more fuel to the overstimulating fire.  

Engage your best observational skills and see if you can identify triggers.  The first defense against tantrums is to try and prevent, or modulate their intensity before they get out of control.

What if your child is already into a spill-over tantrum?  Check out part 2 and part 3 of this series.

Recently I posted a few comments about how to handle Four-Year Old tantrums.

Part 1
Part 2

Those posts included some of the traditional advice for parents to use to handle tantrums. And, there are many times that advice works quite well. But, do gifted children have different types of tantrums that require different strategies?

Yes they can. Many gifted children are highly sensitive. This sensitivity can be to many things – physical sensations and aversions (tags on clothes, seams on socks, loud noises, bright lights, crowds of people, overstimulating environments), stress from multiple sources (home, school, social settings), and most of all, emotional intensity and sensitivity in response to the other stimulating situations.

Many of the intellectually gifted kids also have emotional overexcitabilities.  This means that a lot of gifted children are very emotionally sensitive. Some kids are introverted and withdraw, others are more outwardly intense. Whatever the temperament of the child, the emotional sensitivity to various overstimulating and stressful situations can cause a melt-down.  Mary Sheedy Kurchinka describes sensitive, intense and persistent children as “spirited.”

Mary Sheedy Kurchinka (2006) in Raising Your Spirited Child, describes spill-over tantrums that many spirited children experience,

Beth’s tantrum looked like a classic temper tantrum.  it sounded like one, too, but it wasn’t.  As I talked with Beth’s mom, I relized that Beth’s tantrum had nothing to do with power or getting attention.  It wasn’t even meant as a personal attack on her mother.  Her tantrum had been building for hours, even days.  for the last three weeks her father had been locked in negotiation meetings from six in the morning until well past midnight.  Alone at home with three preschoolers, Mom was exhausted and short on patience.  Beth is spirited.  Beth is temperamentally sensitive.  She absorbed the stress and strains her family was experiencing until she reached her limit.  Then she blew, literally knocking her mother down in the process.  This is a spill-over tantrum.

Kurchinka continues,

Dr. Stella Chess and Alexander Thomas were the first to describe spill-over tantrums.  In thier now-classic book, Know Your Child, they define a spill-over tantrum as “an outpouring of emotiontion in a disorganized way.”  The genetic makeup of spirited children that fosters a tendency toward steamy reactions makes them much more vulnerable to spill-over tantrums – a flood of emotions that overwhelms them and pushes them beyond their temperamental ability to cope.  In my experience, most of the tantrums experienced by spirited chidlren are actually spill-over tantrums.  They are not premeditated.  They are not intended to manipulate.

So, if spill-over tantrums are so common in sensitive and spirited children, how do you handle these tantrums differently?

Read Part 1

There are many parenting books that outline a reward system to deal with behaviors that need to be changed with your children. These types of systems are very appropriate with four-year olds (and all younger children) because, developmentally, they need structure, specific instructions, and a source of motivation towards the desired behaviors. Here is one expert’s advice about setting up such an action plan with four-year olds.

Alan E. Kazdin, Director of the Yale Parenting Center and Child Conduct Clinic, in the book, The Kazdin Method for Parenting the Defiant Child, recommends with four-year olds, to:

1.Chose one problem behavior to address first. Clearly identify the positive behavior you want to happen in place of the problem behavior. 

2.Get started right away and make a little progress to encourage and motivate everyone at the beginning. 

Use a point chart as a way of keeping track of and displaying the positive behaviors your child has accomplished and the rewards he can earn for them. Research shows several special advantages to a point chart (for children of all ages – and adults, too). Success will lie not in the presence of the chart itself but in how it is employed.

3.Once you’ve set up the chart, you need to select from fun, appropriate rewards and set the terms for “buying” them with points. 

4.Use pretend games to practice with your child to do the positive behaviors and show them how the new system will work. Practice positive feedback to your child for all their hard work and for trying. 

You and your child are both building habits, and this comes from practice. That’s how the actions become established and ingrained, natural and automatic. The first stage – getting the behavior to occur regularly, and providing the proper consequences – is often the hard part, because it feels unnatural at first. But it will soon feel natural, and soon not doing the behavior will feel unnatural.

Keys to Success

Success will require changes not only in your child’s behavior but, in all likelihood, also in your interactions with him or her.

1. Praise is all-important. It should be appropriate, enthusiastic, very specific related to the desired behavior or effort, include a gentle touch. It should be contingent on the desired behavior, immediate and frequent, especially at the beginning.
2. Make noncompliance a nonevent. Try to ignore your child if he does not comply with your request. 
3. Begin with “please.” When you ask your child to engage in the behaviors you want, begin with the word “please.” The research is clear that choice, or the appearance of choice, increases compliance.
4. The tone ought to be warm and gentle. 
5. Don’t ask a question when you are instructing your child to do something. 
6. Physical closeness counts. When you ask your child to do something, get close; it helps. 

Hopefully, this will provide a starting point for some parents struggling with younger children and tantrums. Remember it is not perfection we are trying to attain, or complete solutions, just making small steps of progress in the right direction is good enough.
NOTE: If you are having severe, chronic problems, if there are other traumatic family problems occurring, or if the situation escalates in physical violence, please get seek the assistance of a professional.