Living With Live Wires

Read Part 1

There are many parenting books that outline a reward system to deal with behaviors that need to be changed with your children. These types of systems are very appropriate with four-year olds (and all younger children) because, developmentally, they need structure, specific instructions, and a source of motivation towards the desired behaviors. Here is one expert’s advice about setting up such an action plan with four-year olds.

Alan E. Kazdin, Director of the Yale Parenting Center and Child Conduct Clinic, in the book, The Kazdin Method for Parenting the Defiant Child, recommends with four-year olds, to:

1.Chose one problem behavior to address first. Clearly identify the positive behavior you want to happen in place of the problem behavior. 

2.Get started right away and make a little progress to encourage and motivate everyone at the beginning. 

Use a point chart as a way of keeping track of and displaying the positive behaviors your child has accomplished and the rewards he can earn for them. Research shows several special advantages to a point chart (for children of all ages – and adults, too). Success will lie not in the presence of the chart itself but in how it is employed.

3.Once you’ve set up the chart, you need to select from fun, appropriate rewards and set the terms for “buying” them with points. 

4.Use pretend games to practice with your child to do the positive behaviors and show them how the new system will work. Practice positive feedback to your child for all their hard work and for trying. 

You and your child are both building habits, and this comes from practice. That’s how the actions become established and ingrained, natural and automatic. The first stage – getting the behavior to occur regularly, and providing the proper consequences – is often the hard part, because it feels unnatural at first. But it will soon feel natural, and soon not doing the behavior will feel unnatural.

Keys to Success

Success will require changes not only in your child’s behavior but, in all likelihood, also in your interactions with him or her.

1. Praise is all-important. It should be appropriate, enthusiastic, very specific related to the desired behavior or effort, include a gentle touch. It should be contingent on the desired behavior, immediate and frequent, especially at the beginning.
2. Make noncompliance a nonevent. Try to ignore your child if he does not comply with your request. 
3. Begin with “please.” When you ask your child to engage in the behaviors you want, begin with the word “please.” The research is clear that choice, or the appearance of choice, increases compliance.
4. The tone ought to be warm and gentle. 
5. Don’t ask a question when you are instructing your child to do something. 
6. Physical closeness counts. When you ask your child to do something, get close; it helps. 

Hopefully, this will provide a starting point for some parents struggling with younger children and tantrums. Remember it is not perfection we are trying to attain, or complete solutions, just making small steps of progress in the right direction is good enough.
NOTE: If you are having severe, chronic problems, if there are other traumatic family problems occurring, or if the situation escalates in physical violence, please get seek the assistance of a professional.

Recently, we have had discussions in meetings with other parents about dealing with the behavioral problems of younger gifted children. That is what prompted us to post the blog about the calming beans technique. I began remembering when my children were four. My daughter glided through without too many problems out of the ordinary, but my dear son kept us on our toes and searching for solutions. He is a highly sensitive child. When he was four (actually ages 3-5), we tried many things to help manage his sensitivities and difficulties with transitions, which often led to tantrums.

Here are some thoughts about what helped us, what experts say, and a few words of encouragement to make it through one of the difficult times of parenting – Dealing with Tantrums of Four-Year Olds…and five-year olds, and six-year olds. . . 

Being There, Being Calm

Developmentally, four-year olds are just beginning to gain a greater sense of emotional awareness and power to influence other people, and they are practicing it! They also do not have the maturity to control strong emotional outbursts and can get very overwhelmed by their intense feelings. We can sometimes relate to that feeling of being out-of-control with no options by the way their tantrums can make us feel. As parents, the most important thing we can do when our children are out-of-control is remain calm and in control. Nothing is scarier to a child than to see the adults break-down when they do. It sends the message that we can’t help them, or we are giving up on them. This can create more intense tantrums.

Dr. Steve Kahn, psychologist and professor at the University of St. Thomas, who wrote Insightful Parenting, states,

We show children through our actions how we expect them to act as they get older. Regardless of how badly they are treating us, we treat them better. They are allowed to act their age, but we are not allowed to act their age (or) mirror their insolent tone.
There is a higher standard of behavior for us. We are the adults. When they are stressful to us, we show them how to act during their own stressful times….Eventually it is all about us. Do we use their behavior as an excuse for our response? It becomes clear when you say to yourself: “I want to be the way I want them to become.” Whatever they are doing becomes an opportunity for you to show them how to be.

Staying Connected

Dr. Steve Kahn, also writes,

While it may sound insignificant, there is very little in parenting more urgent than “protecting the connection.” It is the most critical parenting task. It may strike us as obvious, but when parents are not able to protect the connection, children are hurt. The dilemma is accomplishing this at all times, regardless of what our children are doing. It helps to have great compassion for the hard work of childhood and consider that they are being the best child they can be each day.

With my own son, when he was four, there were definitely times when I had to just “be present” with him when his feelings took him out-of-control. I would wait and watch with him, or hold him when I could, as the storm of emotions passed through. Then he would reach the point where he could sit and continue the rest of his calming on his own. I remained calm and offered supportive words. It let him know that I was there, it would be alright, we all have times like this and I will offer what I can to help you. This is very difficult for parents to do at first because we usually just want the strong emotions to stop. But we have children who are getting their nervous system wired at an alarming rate. And, gifted children can have sensitivities that just intensify their experience and reaction to everyday events.

As my son gets older, my assistance hasn’t been needed as often. We have developed a relationship of trust and a connection that is always there when he feels out-of-control. As he grows and gains more control of his own behavior, we continue to help him experiment with ways to manage his feelings. My presence served as a role model to how he might handle his situation in the future. As he gets older, we talk about sensitivities more because I have them also. He now asks me questions about how I handle certain feelings and situations and he watches me closely when I am experiencing similar feelings. It has become a journey we are on together.
Step Back and Observe Closely

Just like us, our children are very motivated! We often just see them as motivated to get their way. This can create feelings in us that our child may be deliberately trying to control us. Those beliefs can make us feel resentful and can lead us into a power struggle with our child. As the parent, we need to see the bigger picture – our children are motivated to get their needs met. We need to keep our sense of composure and compassion and look at the world (and the situation) from the child’s point of view. What needs are they trying to meet? Focus our attention more on the child rather than getting lost in your own feelings and reactions to their behavior. This takes practice and a commitment on your part, as a parent, to also work on your own reactions.

Often, gifted children with sensitivities and overexcitablities are trying to meet an intense need when they have a tantrum, thus the intense reaction. One example that is typical with gifted four-year olds is not being able to handle transitions from one activity to another; bedtimes, switching from activities they are concentrated and motivated to do, going out to other locations that may be too overstimulating, or transitioning home and not being able to calm down. In these examples, part of the action plan will include activities to ease the transitions and possibly changes in the routine to reduce the events causing over-stimulation.

Observe your child closely to pick-up patterns and triggers. See if you can identify some of the needs your child is trying to meet in their life. Work with your child to develop an action plan (see, Dealing With Four-Year Old Tantrums – part 2). Chances are, they will be just as excited to make progress on the tantrums as you are. When you talk with them, normalize their behavior, and be careful not to blame. Let them know that everyone experiences intense feelings sometimes, and that we all have to learn ways to deal with them. Make sure your love and acceptance are not contingent on their good behavior. Remember, having an intense emotion is not a problem. How one handles it and how one helps the child learn to appropriately manage their own behavior is the key.
Work With the Motivations

To use the natural motivation of the child, there are several other things you can do to help shift their motivation in a more positive direction.

Consider these views from, A Parent’s Guide to Gifted Children, by Webb, et. al.,

For many parents, discipline means time-out, grounding, or some other kind of punishment. This is unfortunate, because discipline is not the same thing as punishment; it is much more than punishment, which should be used sparingly. Because of the sensitive nature of gifted children, a small amount of punishment typically goes a long way. So when we use the word “discipline,” we are talking about ways to help a child learn to manage her own behaviors – to help the child achieve self-regulation and responsibility. For many, it’s a new way of looking at teaching the child to gradually learn to manage her own life.

When dealing with the tantrums of four-year olds, you begin with the development of the action plan. After some self-reflection and observation of your child, it is time to get down to work. It is important to prepare before you get together to present your plan to your child. And, it is important that parts of the plan are left for your child to have some input. Giving your child some say in parts of the action plan is very motivating.

One example of an action plan based on cognitive-behavioral methods is featured in Dealing with Tantrums of Four-Year Olds- part 2.

At this point in our home school experience, and in our home life, with seven (almost eight) year olds motivation for a path of mastery, discipline and communication are my main concerns.

I offer small rewards to my children for some of their school work. But I have established a long wait and a huge amount of work to earn the reward. I work on their delayed gratification whenever I can.

Quite often it is hard to get them started with their lessons, but after addressing their emotional needs and enticing them with some sort of motivating activity, they get going. When they get started with their work, they enjoy the process – And, I make it a point to talk about that – noting their fun, enjoyment and excitement about learning whenever it is evident.

One way we help them look at the long-term process of mastery is with a celebration when they reach certain milestones

We give them small presents, write award certificates, and read them at a ceremony once or twice a year. This time also includes their favorite foods and a small family party. We take care to tell them the positive things about who they are and how much work they put into their learning.  It is important that the emphasis be not just based on accomplishment, but on effort and character. Additionally, this is a time for us to celebrate our family legacy.

Another one of my main concern at this point in promoting a path of mastery – is discipline and communication.

In our life, that means creating clear expectations, communicating them to the kids, and consistently holding those standards when reasonable.

Isn’t it great when those things work? You can relish those moments.

In our life with gifted kids, the communication portion becomes key. It usually means having long discussions to answer all the questions – Why? What if…? Why should I do that? What if I do something different? How about this way, or that way? Why don’t you consider this? I know a better way you can do it? I have other things I want to do and this is why? Lets talk about it some more. And, our latest challenge is the reply after a lengthy discuss of – Well, I just don’t want to…

And, it also means that there are circumstances that require extra attention to the child’s sensitivities of the situations. Our son often gets overwhelmed by so many things – by his physical environment, by taking too many trips out of the house, being around too many people, being around the wrong kind of people, eating the wrong foods, getting overwhelmed by what he is doing.

It means we have to deal with all of our intensities, our areas of superabundance, referred to by Dabrowski as “overexcitabilities.” This can sometimes feel like just “too much” which is how overexcitabilities are described by others. They can refer to you or your child as just too sensitive, too energetic, too smart, too excitable.

Like everyone, my children each have their particular style of discouragement and frustration. Sometimes I have success helping them turn it around. Sometimes they need to just express and discuss those feelings, take a break and do something else, or just rest.

The extra time we have in home school has provided us with the opportunity to go through these experiences from beginning to end. To come out on the other side with more compassion for ourselves, our own difficulties and each other.

I get a personal thrill when I see my children deeply involved in projects that last hours and sometimes days. It reassures me that they are practicing the path of mastery and can feel that enjoyment in each moment of the timeless flow of energy. They can experience the intrinsic motivation and all without my help. I also know that this flow of energy is transferable to other areas and I just need to be a creative motivator to help it transfer.

[excerpt from my Minnesota Council for the Gifted and Talented State Conference presentation: Don't Fence Me In - Mastery, Creativity, and Adventure in the Home Education of Bright Children]

The path of mastery is what we walk whenever we want to initiate change in our lives and when we want to master any area of expertise. It also encompasses the learning process.

The path of mastery involves relatively brief spurts of progress, each of which is followed by a slight decline to a plateau somewhat higher in most cases than that which preceded it. Leonard states, You have to be willing to spend most of your time on a plateau, to keep practicing even when you seem to be getting nowhere.

If you have pursued sports, art or music, you feel this intimately.

“If our life is a good one, a life of mastery, most of it will be spent on the plateau. If not, a large part of it may well be spent in restless, distracted, ultimately self-destructive attempts to escape the plateau.

The question remains: Where in our upbringing, our schooling, our career are we explicitly taught to value, to enjoy, even to love the plateau, the long stretch of diligent effort with no seeming progress?”

George Leonard
Mastery: The Keys to Success and Long-Term Fulfillment (1992)

I’ll tell you where- some of our days  in home school.

I can relate deeply to the experience of the plateau. For many years, rather than embrace the plateau, I tended to get impatient living on the plateau, which led to a lot of  burnout.

Within the past few years, I began observing how this path of mastery naturally took on this shape in our home school experience. I wondered if my children had forgotten everything they had learned when we reached a plateau. But, I would unexpectedly see a sudden spurt of growth and the pattern would start over. The plateau is the time in which new learning is assimilated and integrated by the child. They also have many different learning curves and developmental tasks happening all at once that need regular integration.

One of the challenges to creating a path of mastery is the societal influences that seem to pop up everywhere.

“The modern world, in fact, can be viewed as a prodigious conspiracy against mastery…We’re continually bombarded with promises of immediate gratification, instant success, and fast, temporary relief, all of which lead in exactly the wrong direction. This mentality that pervades our society, not only prevents us from developing our potential skills but threatens our health, education, career, relationships, and perhaps even our nation’s economic viability.”
George Leonard
Mastery: The Keys to Success and Long-Term Fulfillment (1992)

I see this everywhere and have become more conscious of this influence in my own life and hope to help my children understand this culture we live in as they grow. This is one area where home school can really help cushion some of those effects.

[excerpt from my Minnesota Council for the Gifted and Talented State Conference presentation: Don't Fence Me In - Mastery, Creativity, and Adventure in the Home Education of Bright Children]

 From Behavioral Management of Gifted Children: A Neuropsychological Approach by By Paul Beljan, PsyD, ABPdN on GiftedHomeschoolers.org

A widely used [behavior managment] intervention is the “time out.” Despite its popularity, it may not be the best choice [for gifted children]. Children often view a time out as a “time to go off.” The time out often ends up being the trigger that causes a tantrum. Because a time out is timed externally, by a parent for example, it does not help the child learn how to self-soothe.

Here are two examples of soothing interventions to try in place of a time out. The first intervention, called Separate the Beans, is appropriate for children from ages 3 through 9. It requires them to spend time separating two types of uncooked beans from an empty coffee can into two smaller bowls. The activity soothes the various senses of touch, hearing, and vision. This activity helps calm children by limiting extraneous environmental stimuli, while not stressing cognition. The result is being once again available for social interaction or learning.

The steps involved in this intervention are:

Combine uncooked lima and red beans in an empty coffee can.
Have the child separate the beans by color into two bowls.
When the cups are full, the discipline is over. The child then amends the behavior that warranted the discipline in the first place and is free to return to his/her activities.

We called them the calming beans and had great sucess.  We used them from age four to seven.  There is a slight risk that the beans will be thown, but we never had that problem.  Sometimes Sean would sort the beans on his own as a meditative activity.  Be sure to use only lima and red beans, we read in another place that other types of uncooked beans can be poisonous if ingested.  When the beans were combined, there was 4-6 cups of beans to sort, taking 10-15 minutes or more to complete.

A similar intervention for older children is Sentences. It involves writing sentences that state: “I will not do this… I will do this…” Rules to follow when using this intervention are:

Dispense no more than five sentences at the time of a behavioral infraction.
Instruct the child to write sentences that include what the child is not to do and what appropriate behavior would have been instead.
Avoid power struggles that may result in adults assigning more sentences.
Keep in mind that discipline teaches without anger and avoids damage to the child’s self-esteem. Remember to suspend privileges until the beans are all separated or the sentences are completed at a proficient level. Remind the child that the discipline “lasts as long as you want it to.” Once it’s completed, it’s time to help the child to re-engage. For example, you might say, “Let’s go apologize…”

We haven’t tried this yet, but probably will soon.  We’ll let you know how it goes.